8:43 pm

Wow so it's only been about two days since I've blogged but it seems like so much has happened! So yesterday I was at work and I was the only cashier blah blah it was around noon and this female security guard comes storming in looking like she's about to collapse from running so fast, and says she needs to speak to the store manager IMMEDIATELY, so I grab Robert and she pulls him aside, not knowing what the hell she said, so I just figured our roof was about to cave or something haha since we've been having so many problems with it. Half an hour goes on, don't even bother asking Robert what it's about so I decide to go on my lunch break, Robert decides to go at the same time as me, so we're walking through the mall and he's all "so you know the security guard that came in right? Well she said we are not allowed under ANY circumstances to go out the back door because there is a police investigation going on" I was like whoa what the heck, didn't really think about it too much so we head outside to go have a smoke, the place we go for a smoke / where i park my car is directly across from our stores back door, and we could see the area blocked off. Us being curious walk as close as we can go, I look up and I see a body. A lifeless body just laying there with cops around him, no ambulance.. because he was already dead. My heart just sunk, how could something like this happen 30 feet away from I am every day, 10 feet away from where I park EVERY morning, FIVE feet away from the door I enter everyday. We see them lift the man, covering him with a white blanket, I'm too far away to see him that closely so I'm completely oblivious to what happened to him. Then the body bag comes out, I just stare in awe as they zip this motionless body into the black bag and put him on the gurney, and ship him away in the white unmarked van. I thought he was murdered, there were rumors flying about through the mall that he may have been found in the garbage compactor, and I'm like WHO would do that to something, and more importantly WHY? I head back in with Robert, both of us startled and just completely confused as to what we just witnessed, and we both go back to work trying to block out what just happened.

All night I thought about what had happened, it even carried through to my dreams. I dreamed about Levan, and how he was standing there, in front of ALL of my friends and we were all SCREAMING at the fact that he was standing in front of us, alive and just there, we were all crying because we knew he was not alive, but yet he was there. I woke up in a sweat, and just really upset.

I go to work this morning, try to avoid the thoughts in the back of my mind, and try to work. A couple hours later I am on my lunch break and Robert comes in, he comes up to me and tells me that the guy from yesterday committed suicide. Right by our back door, and in a way I was relieved that he wasn't murdered, but then a few minutes later it sunk in and on my whole way home I couldn't get over how he killed himself, I was so fucking upset. The fact that this guy, hours before was alive. Questions were running through my mind. What ran through HIS mind before hand? and more importantly, why the FUCK did no one try to help him? It breaks my heart to know that so many people are out there, wanting to be gone off this earth and they have no one to turn to, no one to help them get through what they are going through. Then they reach their breaking point, and it's too late, no one can save them now. Maybe they are off in a better place, but the matter of fact is, what if someone took the time to reach out to him, this all could have been avoided, if ONE person took the time to really just talk to him, and figure out what was so horrible, he maybe would have changed his mind.

Blah, this whole thing just upsets me, because I know that my friends think or have thought about it, I know I have thought about it, I know my family has thought about it. What's really stopping us? Who's really there for us when we need it, to get these thoughts out of our head? Sometimes you just wonder if life would be better if you just weren't alive. Maybe there is something better after this shit you're dealing with, and you go somewhere where all your problems are gone, and you're in nirvana. If I knew that when I leave this earth that I would see my dad there, the one person who crosses my mind a million times a day, the one person who I know could make everything better right now, what would be stopping me? Who would be stopping me?

No one.

9:07 pm

Oh wow, look at that October is already done in a week, I can't believe this! I have already started buying presents for birthdays coming up and christmas, little by little since I am a poor struggling student with lack of funds so I have to buy them one small step at a time. I got Mackenzie & my moms birthday presents already considering their birthdays are in like 2 weeks! Holy cow, stoked though.

I am very, very content and happy with myself lately. I have just felt so good, like nothing is missing in my life at all. I just wish there were more hours in the day to get me by and be able to finish all the things I want to accomplish everday. I am trying so hard to keep ahead in bio and math that my brain might explode, midterms are already coming up next week and I am terrified!

I feel so good I think it's because it's been months since I have officially kicked the SWED habit, jesus looking back on it I realize how pathetic I was to have to rely on smoking weed everyday, and how everything was boring unless I was high. I lost all motivation, got paranoid way too easy, and just distanced myself from everyone that really matters in my life. Not smoking weed anymore has honestly made my life so much better, I can't believe how much time I wasn't being 'addicted' to such a stupid thing, I regret it almost. I honestly just get so mad when I think about how much time and effort I wasted where I could have been doing stuff to benefit my life but instead I decided to blaze and lounge. Not cool, I am almost 20 I need to get my priorities straight before it's too late. School, and working are my number 1 priorities right now, not drinking, not partying, not smoking weed. Those things don't even cross my mind as much. I've been having a few drinks on fridays with the ladies but I'm not wasting my nights partying and getting plastered and spending the next day hungover doing nothing at all, I would much rather go to work, come home, do a bunch of school go out for a few drinks afterwards and just hang out.

blek, anyways I need to find a new job, my work has decided to cut everyones hours drastically where it's almost to the point of going to work not even being worth it anymore. Driving an hour there and an hour back every day for a five hour shift is pretty pointless if you ask me. I'd much rather spend that 200 dollar gas money a month if not more, on helping out my mom more than for gas. ri-dic-youuuuuuu-lus.

anyways! I must head back to some bio for now and then pass out, tomorrow is supposed to be filled with snow again so I'll probably be stuck in traffic for hours on end, yet again. gah.



tmb

3:12 pm

wowowowow, I am seriously so angry. Like why do people have to be such bitches all the time, like you're probably 25 and you walk around like you're queen shit, but news flash you're a fucking twat. =) I can't wait to leave my job, like everyday I think about how awesome it will be to walk out on you fuckers. I don't understand why people who are RETAIL managers feel like they have some sort of importance in this world, where they feel the need to talk down to everyone else. Hello WE are doing all the hardwork and you just get to sit there and tell us what to do, except only difference is you get paid 3x as much as we get paid. fuck, take that stick out of your ass and ram it down your throat so I don't have to listen to you anymore. NEWS FLASH, you're a manager, at a retail store. In 2 years my life will already be better than yours is and you are 6 years my senior. Seriously? Go to college, do something real with your life, not bossing around 14-20 year olds. My God.

Anyways, back story now,
my availability since i started/when the store opened has always been mornings only
until 3 the latest because i have school on nights and i can't work fridays sundays and saturdays because i have exams and seminars those days. they KNOW that. and i even got asked to write my availability last monday down AGAIN for i don't know the 38472934 time.

The new schedule for this week wasn't up when I left on thursday so I called on saturday night to ask when i was scheduled and they told me sunday, tues/wed from 12-7 and friday 2-10 i was like wtf i can't work that, so the manager crossed me off for sundays shift and to call back and talk to the manager who makes the schedules, so I did and she wasn't in, so i called today and she yelled at me for now showing up yesterday and didn't believe that the manager on saturday took me off. like what a retard and shes all "I WAS HERE ALL NIGHT ON SATURDAY" uh obviously you weren't if the manager never gave you the phone you retard.

so basically she changed my schedule tomorrow to what i usually work, but she's being such a bitch and when i was like "okay thanks so much ill see you tomorrow" she hung up on me. lol nice management skills you fucking bitch.

I would seriously rather work at mcdonalds flipping burgers than to put up with another day of their bullshit. MANAGEMENT AT FOREVER21 IS SHIT. I've heard it from a ton of people on online boards and junk, didn't believe it but oh boy do I ever believe it now.

job hunting, tonight, asap, i don't care fuck. Walmart I am applying.

UHHSFHSFSKLDJSIODJS

10:06 pm

9:29

It makes me so sad when I see old people, I don't know what it is. If it's the fact that they have so many stories, and memories to tell, or the fact that their life that once seemed to last forever, is slowly coming to an end. When I see seniors by themselves I want to go sit with them and keep them company, my friends think I am weird for that but it's sad. Today I was waiting to pick up my mom & my prescription at Safeway and I saw like hmmm a 95 year old lady, with her daughter in her 50s I am assuming, and just the look on her daughters face and how she was reacting to everything her mom was doing was breaking my heart, as if she knew that her mom wasn't going to be around much longer. I can't even fathom how I got through that two years ago with my dad. The thought of only having one parents left now and I am only 19 terrifies me, so bad. I hope to be 60 when my mom is still living healthy and prancing around at 90 because I don't think I could go through what I went through in the last 2 years again. I would much rather leave this world before my mom did because I don't think I could be strong enough to live through it again. Anyways yes, makes me so sad and I was so touched when I saw the lady & her mom together although it did break my heart just a little! =(


On a happier note, well not so happy I guess, I had a 5 day long weekend, and of course what happens? I get the flu !! I hate being sick, the thought of having to breathe through my mouth when I am sleeping because my nose is so plugged makes me want to gag all over the place. hahah I went to the doctor today and got some antibiotics so hopefully I will be good for work on Tuesday because right now all my effort I have goes to making chicken noodle soup and peeing about 50 times a day. I hung out with Mackenzie last night, FINALLY. It's only been forever since I have seen that girl, I missed her a lot and it was really, really good to catch up with her. We had a lot to talk about and stories to share, but it was refreshing. We got some coffee, went for dinner and then watched a few chick flicks at my house, how cliche, but it was definitely what I needed while being in quarantine pretty much the previous 2 days. I finally got a chance to wash my jeep today after putting it through snow for 3 days and how muddy and dirty it was, it was disgusting honestly. Even though I know it will probably snow/rain within the next 2 days considering my luck, at least it will be a pretty little jeep for 24 hours =)

Anyways, more bio and math to come so I shall hit the road, desperate housewives in t-minus 25 minutes so I must go and prepare.



tmb

=)

11:42 pm

There is only so many times you can allow someone to let you down before you can't
handle the disappointment anymore. When things change people change and it doesn't
mean you forget the past, it simply means you try to move on and treasure the memories.
Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting the things that weren't meant to be. There's a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone,
trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. You got to do
what's right for you even if it hurts. I've come to realize that in the end,
everyone turns out to be the person they swore they'd never become;

11:37 pm

wowowowow, OCTOBER? Seriously? Where has the time been going, it's insane, i'm going to be an old woman if this time flies any faster. Life has been pretty hectic, trying to keep my cool at work is very frustrating and stressful, hoping to find a new job closer to home so I can focus on school more without being gone 11 hours a day just for working, especially at such a shitty pay rate. Schools been stressful as well, I fell behind a week and now I missed 2 math quizzes blah blah blah, but I just skipped ahead and went to the next unit and got 100% on the first quiz, so hopefully the downfall of the first unit won't mess me up TOO bad. Biology is going good, I can't wait til all this boring plant and cell shit is over so we can move on to the body goods, because I will hopefully rock that, considering my future career choice hah.

Other than that everything has been meh, hanging out with sabby a lot, love that bitch.



Well, time for more school, and then bed time, have to work at 7 am again tomorrow and it's almost midnight, I need sleep!!

tmb

7:25 pm

wow what's the point anymore?
can someone please just make me disappear off the face of this earth.