8:43 pm

Wow so it's only been about two days since I've blogged but it seems like so much has happened! So yesterday I was at work and I was the only cashier blah blah it was around noon and this female security guard comes storming in looking like she's about to collapse from running so fast, and says she needs to speak to the store manager IMMEDIATELY, so I grab Robert and she pulls him aside, not knowing what the hell she said, so I just figured our roof was about to cave or something haha since we've been having so many problems with it. Half an hour goes on, don't even bother asking Robert what it's about so I decide to go on my lunch break, Robert decides to go at the same time as me, so we're walking through the mall and he's all "so you know the security guard that came in right? Well she said we are not allowed under ANY circumstances to go out the back door because there is a police investigation going on" I was like whoa what the heck, didn't really think about it too much so we head outside to go have a smoke, the place we go for a smoke / where i park my car is directly across from our stores back door, and we could see the area blocked off. Us being curious walk as close as we can go, I look up and I see a body. A lifeless body just laying there with cops around him, no ambulance.. because he was already dead. My heart just sunk, how could something like this happen 30 feet away from I am every day, 10 feet away from where I park EVERY morning, FIVE feet away from the door I enter everyday. We see them lift the man, covering him with a white blanket, I'm too far away to see him that closely so I'm completely oblivious to what happened to him. Then the body bag comes out, I just stare in awe as they zip this motionless body into the black bag and put him on the gurney, and ship him away in the white unmarked van. I thought he was murdered, there were rumors flying about through the mall that he may have been found in the garbage compactor, and I'm like WHO would do that to something, and more importantly WHY? I head back in with Robert, both of us startled and just completely confused as to what we just witnessed, and we both go back to work trying to block out what just happened.

All night I thought about what had happened, it even carried through to my dreams. I dreamed about Levan, and how he was standing there, in front of ALL of my friends and we were all SCREAMING at the fact that he was standing in front of us, alive and just there, we were all crying because we knew he was not alive, but yet he was there. I woke up in a sweat, and just really upset.

I go to work this morning, try to avoid the thoughts in the back of my mind, and try to work. A couple hours later I am on my lunch break and Robert comes in, he comes up to me and tells me that the guy from yesterday committed suicide. Right by our back door, and in a way I was relieved that he wasn't murdered, but then a few minutes later it sunk in and on my whole way home I couldn't get over how he killed himself, I was so fucking upset. The fact that this guy, hours before was alive. Questions were running through my mind. What ran through HIS mind before hand? and more importantly, why the FUCK did no one try to help him? It breaks my heart to know that so many people are out there, wanting to be gone off this earth and they have no one to turn to, no one to help them get through what they are going through. Then they reach their breaking point, and it's too late, no one can save them now. Maybe they are off in a better place, but the matter of fact is, what if someone took the time to reach out to him, this all could have been avoided, if ONE person took the time to really just talk to him, and figure out what was so horrible, he maybe would have changed his mind.

Blah, this whole thing just upsets me, because I know that my friends think or have thought about it, I know I have thought about it, I know my family has thought about it. What's really stopping us? Who's really there for us when we need it, to get these thoughts out of our head? Sometimes you just wonder if life would be better if you just weren't alive. Maybe there is something better after this shit you're dealing with, and you go somewhere where all your problems are gone, and you're in nirvana. If I knew that when I leave this earth that I would see my dad there, the one person who crosses my mind a million times a day, the one person who I know could make everything better right now, what would be stopping me? Who would be stopping me?

No one.