11:20 am

nothing will ever change.
its the same as it was months ago.


im beginning to think it was always you,
this whole time.

11:56 pm

Why did you have to go?






why.

11:45 pm

i love you girls, i really do.

4:55 am

my neighbors are keeping me awake so fuuuuuuuu-

tonight was good, just relaxed, went for some drinks with mack
and then went out for dinner!

we were so bored and couldn't figure out what to do so....
me and mackenzie do what we do best when bored and we baked!!

sooo yummy =)

SO messy though but it was worth it, hopefully everyone enjoys them =)


tomorrow we're going for pedicures & manicures and lounging in the sun all day

loveeeeeee the nice weather

stokedstoked on the parade with my girls. who says you are ever too old for
the good ole stampede parade?

3:13 pm

It's raining. The kind of rain that comes down so heavy it sounds like the shower's running, even when you've turned it off. The kind of rain that makes you think of dams and flash floods, arks. The kind of rain that tells you to crawl back into bed, where the sheets haven't lost your body heat, to pretend that the clock is five minutes earlier than it really is. ask any kid who's made it past fourth grade and they can tell you: water never stops moving. Rain falls, and runs down am ountain into a river. The river finds it way to the ocean. It evaporates, like a soul, into the clouds.
And then, like everything else, it starts all over again.

12:37 pm

When you are a kid you have your own language,
and unlike french or spanish or whatever you start
learning in fourt grade, this one you're born with,
and eventually lose. Everyone under the age of
seven is fluent in ifspeak; go hand around someone
under three feet tall and you'll see. What if
a giant funnelweb spider crawled out of that
hole over your head, and bit you on the neck?
What if the only antidote for venom was locked
up in a vault on the top of a montain? What if
you lived through the bite, but could only move
your eyelids and blink out an alphabet? It
doesn't really matter how far you go; the point
is that it's a world of possibility. Kids think
with their brains cracked wide open; becoming
an adult, I'e decided is only a slow sewing shut.

2:11 am

Family is who we look to when we need help. We expect our parents to raise us, our grandparents to love us, and our brothers and sisters to always be there for us when the chips are down. They are our blood and we depend on that connection. When a family member doesn't live up to our expectations we feel abandoned. When a parent, grandparent or older brother or sister puts their needs in front of our own, we feel abandoned and alone. In such a case, we are likely to feel sad, alone and angry.

Why do you keep doing this to me? Honestly you have no idea how hard I am trying and how hard it is right now. No one is pressuring you so why are you pressuring me. You make me feel so low about myself and hate myself. You can't even talk to me about this you just do it behind my back. Honestly am I that horrible you do & say these things. It hurts and I am honestly almost at my breaking point, and I don't know what to do.

Just stop.
Fuck.

2:25 pm

Our lives are so busy and sometimes we live so far from our families. We miss the relationships with our families and often we do not even share important life events with them. We need to move back towards our families. If not in actual distance then at least we must move closer in our hearts. We live in a time where there are unprecedented communication possibilities. No one will ever love us unconditionally like our family can. We'd be fools not to take advantage of this opportunity.

She’s beauty, style, poise and grace,
At least she appears to be.
But no one knows the girl who hides
Behind the face they see.

Her self-esteem is all but gone,
Of her ego there’s barely a trace.
There’s so much pain behind the mask
She wears upon her face.

Depression has controlled her life
With far too many tears,
Her smile is fake; she’s good at it,
She’s been doing it for years.

The cover is what attracts us,
To the story within the book.
And she’s afraid that without the ruse,
No one would bother to look.

1:53

This movie is actually so hilarious, you have to have the really dirty sense of humor to truly appreciate this movie. It's a perverse brilliance or rather a brilliant perverseness to be found in this story of a bachelor party just basically gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Every summer they need to have that one, silly, funner, dirty, comedy that brightens your summer and this one may have just filled the needs everyones looking for!


I am stoked on seeing the proposal hehe and transformers as well !

Anyways, I spent the night at Mackenzies house last night, we pigged out like maaaaaaaaaaad, and just watched a movie then passed out. We went to Kaylas today and grabbed her to go hit up edo to fulfill our japanese needs muhaha. Anyways I just snuck home quickly to shower and get ready and who knows where the night will take us. Hopefully seeing Kayla ! It's absolutely disgusting out right now, we woke up at 11 and went outside almost immediately and it looked like it was 7pm with how gloomy the weather had gotten. I'm all for a nice rainy day, but when it's all gloomy and cold it is just such a bummer and brings your entire mood down.

Anyways I should go get dressed and stuff and meet up with the ladies, I think Kayla might be on her way down now so wooooooot!

tmb (L)

11:38 pm

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

We grow up thinking that nothing will affect us so severely that we will never forget it. But that's not true, everyday we risk tons of things and unfortunately bad stuff tends to happen to the best of us. Our whole lives our filled with risks, and some with scars to show the risks we've chosen to take.

One of my good friends has an emotional scar that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. It happens to be someone who is a true renaissance woman. No one deserves this, especially not her, and I know that kayla & myself will make sure she gets through this with no further bumps along the way. She has a very strong support system behind her and I am thankful for that.

Honestly, after this whole entire month where it feels like this last week has been jammed pack with tons that my brain feels like it's going to explode, I've learned so much. Really, never be awful to anyone, that person you were awful to may teach you the most. It's so true, the ones that are closest to me and always have been I have always seemed to rip them apart but really in the end they are who I want in my life, and they are the ones that will teach my the most. If you begin to forget about all the bad things in life, the good will eventually begin to take over.

The other night I was watching the pursuit to happiness (i love it btw) haha and the pursuit of happiness is a matter of choice...it is a positive attitude we consciously choose to express. It is not a gift that gets delivered to our doorstep each morning, nor does it come through the window. And I am certain that our circumstances are just a small part of what makes us joyful. If we wait for them to get just right, we will never find lasting joy.

The pursuit of happiness is an inward journey. Our minds are like programs, awaiting the code that will determine behaviors, like bank vaults awaiting our deposits. If we regularly deposit positive, encouraging, and uplifting thoughts, if we continue to bite our lips just before we begin to grumble and complain, if we shoot down that seemingly harmless negative thought as it germinates, we will find that there is much to rejoice about.

12:49

Blaaaaaaaaaaah, such a good night last night with friends. The circumstances on the reasoning why we just stayed at home were a little upsetting but it was totally worth it if we could make mackenzie feel better! She had a really rough day so Kayla, Mackenzie, Jack & I just drove around for a bit, and then went to Mackenzies and played
sociables forever haha. We ended up going through 6 boones. Oh ya we're hardcore. It was a good night though. The last couple weekends have all been pretty decent. Went to Rileys a lot, it's good to catch up with old friends =) I'm reaaaaaaally hoping that I can take a roadtrip sooner or later, I would absolutely loveeeee to go camping though!

Anyways today I shall be going to try and finalize a job that I hope I can get! Then just going with Mackenzie to do some stuff. wooo! Tonight I am probably going to stay home and be a hermit and read and set up my new laptop. I am incredibly lazy and will have to transfer sooooooo much over to my new laptop so I keep putting it off, but we'll see if I am in the mood to do it tonight. I hated living without a laptop for a month I hate coming downstairs where it's freeeeeeezing and the chair hurts my ass haha.

Anyways, it's a nice day out so I shall go get ready and get mackenzie and do our thang.

p.s. I think it's fucking awesome how stella has my last name on their can. woooooo!

tmb

7:11

Wow I'm so gay, I've finished 2 books in the last 3 days, and am already done my third book haha. It feels good to have my brain working again, after being out of school for so long. I'm actually pretty stoked to head back to school in the fall !

Anyways
since I am very, very bored and waiting to see if plans pan out
I will fill out a quiz.

Since no one can really complain. woooo! =)


SIXTY-ONE QUESTIONS TO START OFF THE SUMMER :

01. Are you in α relαtionship?: No sir.

02. If no, would you like to be?: Not really, too much complications.

03. How often do you visit Fαcebook?: A copious amount of my day is spent on FB.

04. Whαt is your fαvorite cαndy bαr?: I'm going to go with chrunchie or something equally as lame.

05. Hαve you ever tripped going up steps?: Daily occurrence.

06. Where did you go on vαcαtion lαst summer?: Edmonton. Oh ya big balla.

07. Would you bungee jump?: Probably

08. Do you own α Fαll Out Boy Cd?: No way.

09. Do you like αmusement pαrks?: Yesss my inner child goes crazy.

10. Do you ride rollercoαsters?: Rarely. Only stampede.

11. Whαt is your current fαvorite CD?: I like dj mixes haha.

12. Cαn you touch your tongue to your nose?: No.

13. When wαs the lαst time you were in the oceαn?: Uhm 2007?

14. Do you like flowers??: I love em'

15. Would you kiss someone of the sαme sex?: maybe.

16. Who do you like?: my family & friends.

17. Are you hungry αnd if so, whαt for?: I am staaaaaaaaaarving. I don't know what
for but a steak would be hella delicious right now.

18. Whαt αre you listening to?: Nothing.

19. Socks αnd sαndαls?: Stabstabstab.

20. Who was the last person to go to the movies with you?: oh man, I haven't been
to the movies in forever.

21. What is one thing you really hope to do this summer?: relax!

22. Do you like to go mini-golfing?: yes!

23. Are you moving this summer?: I wish.

24. Are you going to be starting α new job this summer?: Yeah!

25. Have you ever slapped someone?: Yes lol

26. Have you ever gotten poison ivy?: No.

27. Do you plan on going camping this summer?: Oh dear God I fucking hope so.

28. Favorite pizza topping?: cheese

29. Pants or shorts?: Shorts !

30. Do you use chαpstick?: If I have it on me.

31. What’s the last movie you watched?: Hangover

32. Are you currently fighting with anyone?: Not anybody worth my time.

33. Are you too forgiving?: Yup.

34. How many pets do you have?: 1 kitty katty.

35. Own any clothing from Hot Topic?: Nope

36. What’s your favorite breakfast food?: eggs benedict, omg to die for.

37. Where was the last place you drove?: a bunch of places, mainly to get mackenzie
and kayla and starbucks and food and yes.

38. Where will you be in 24 hours?: no idea!

39. What did you do last night?: Bought a book, visited kayla, saw mackenzie, drove
jack to get his keys because he left them in his car. /facepalm

40. Lαst time you went to α fαncy restαurαnt?: an actual fancy restaurant? last year.

41. Lαst thing you bought?: Smokes & vitamin water.

42. Hαve you ever been in α foreign country?: Yezzir.

43. Anywhere you wαnt to go?: On a boat! With my swim trunks & my flippy floppies. (LOL)

44. Are you thinking of someone right now?: Yes.

45. Hαve you ever thrown something out of α moving cαr?: Every day.

46. Do you wish you were somewhere else?: Sometimes.

47. Would you dαte someone who smoked cigαrettes?: Yes.

48. Are you hαppy with your life right now?: It's getting better.

49. Whαt's the lαst thing you αte?: Gum.

50. Whαt's the next plαce you hαve to go?: Hopefully to get mackenzie.

51. How mαny hours do you usuαlly sleep per night?: 8-10 lol

52. Whαt's the next importαnt dαte on your cαlendαr?: well, fathers day i plan
to be an emotional wreck and bottle everything inside. so... i'll go with transformers release date.

53. Who were the lαst 5 people to text you?: Kayla, Riley, Mel, Jason, Cody.

54. McDonαld's or Burger King?: I don't think I have ever had burger king.

55. Who lαst called you?: Kayla.

56. Are you closer to your mother or fαther?: fuuuu-

57. Do you like to quote things?: everyday! I love quotes.

58. Are you αfrαid of the dαrk?: Yes hahah, only when i'm outside alone.

59. Do you exercise regulαrly?: hardly.

60. Whαt is the most expensive thing YOU ever bought?: my jeep.

61. Whαt should you be doing right now?: Getting ready lol

9:22 pm

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending

I've had one of the biggest wake up calls of my life in the last month. I have realized so much about myself, and so much about the people around me. I have taken so much for granted that I am actually grateful that this horrible month, filled with horrible events actually took place. I've realized how important the people i've grown up with, and known since i was 7 years old really are to me. They have been my back bone through everything, and I have took that for granted. I am so disgusted with my actions in the last few months that I can't even blame anyone but myself. I truly realize how important some people are to me and how much I truly value them being in my life. I don't even know what made me do the things i did, and say the things I said. I think it was more of an act out of jealousy and talking down the ones closest to me seemed to give me a disgusting higher power or something. I don't ever want to make these people feel like that again, and if I ever do I really want them to tell me to just shut the fuck up ! haha I love my friends, and I love who they are and would never change them. They deserve only good things towards them.

All in all, i've learned a lot about myself, and my friends. They are the best friends I could have, and will ever have and I will cherish it forevar~

I love you guys.

4:38 pm

Lost love is still love.
It takes a different form, that's all.

You cant see their smile or bring them food
or tousle their hair or move around a dance
floor. But when those senses weaken, another
heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner.
You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

2:42 am

I will not die an unlived life
I will not live in fear of falling
Or of catching fire
I choose to inhabit my days
To allow my living to open me
Making me less afraid
More accessible
To loosen my heart
So that it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise
I choose to risk my significance.
To live so that that which comes to me as seed
Goes to the next as blossom
And that which comes to me as blossom
Goes on as fruit.