11:10 pm

I lied this is officially my last post for April

if anyone has any friends that look like this
please send them my way. k thx

2:42 pm

Wow, I can't believe it's already the end of April, this shall be my last entry for april 2009 !! woo I can't believe how fast this year is going already. I'm so stoked for the summer. Today is such a good day, my mom got out of the hospital and is back home, and I got my credit card AND I bought new clothes already. Woooo I went on a huge bargain hunt and bought 10 things for only 80 dollars including a $30 jacket, so I did pretty good me thinks. Anyways, so yes the year is officially 1/3 over. I shall keep you updated on my adventures as the year progresses. =)



tmb

4:31 pm

4:18 pm

Everyday, throughout our entire existence, people extensively use their brains... yes? Doing such, thought patterns are eventually developed and the positive patterns should be practiced more often. The thought patterns begin to become habits. It is very important for an individual to realize how much impact their thoughts have on conventional reality, as well as realize that sometimes a bad event CAN really bring positive results.

People in general seem to have at LEAST one habit, something they happen to do on a daily basis. Thoughts can become habits also. If an individual involves oneself in positive thinking as much as they possibly can, such thinking will eventually become almost as written in stone and will eventually continue to happen naturally.

I don't think people realize how much impact the mind really has on reality. It's believed that the subconscious part of the human mind is directly connected to the universe and everything that goes on insude of the subconscious is related to the physical life in some way or another. The subconscious will eventually pick out thought patterns that a person repeats and will process them continuously.

There is one way I believe of practicing positive thinking is to recognize that not all bad events should only have negative outcomes. Sometimes it is the happening of a drastic situation that lets a person realize something significant to their well being. It is important to know that there is a solution to every problem, and anything can be solved with time.

There is much more to life than just physical actions. The human mind plays by far the most important role in “being”. Training the mind with repetitive thinking will bring a new way of life to any individual that participates in such activity. Whatever happens, it really is not as bad as it might seem at the given moment.

11:16 am

Oh man, I miss being a kid. It seems as if when you're young, you live in the moment. The hours seem sooo long as well as the days and years. Now that I am getting older it seems time is going by so quickly. Adults seem to live in the future too much. We're all fixated on our own mortality. When you were a kid you were so worry-free, never stressed about working, never stressed about your appearance, relationships were simpler with friends, I just miss the simpleness of life, and the innocence of childhood. Sheesh, I miss being excited to come home and watch cartoons after school. What happened to the simple days of sitting right in front of your tv with your juice box, a bowl of grapes, and a good ole' re-run of rugrats to wind you down from your day at school? I miss the Friday nights where Mackenzie & I would be so excited for TGIF, our moms would meet and we'd plan a sleepover every Friday night. We thought staying up until 10 was a treat! Now we hardly see eachother unless it's after 10pm. I miss when my biggest worry was who I was going to hang out with during recess, and the biggest problems I encountered were that I forgot my 64-pack of crayons at home. The fights with friends were about not sharing your lunch.

Now it seems that slowly we're losing touch with everybody. It's still early since we're all still young, and fresh out of highschool, but we have to come to the realization that everything isn't going to be the same in 5 years. Everyone seems to forget this, they don't seem to live life in the moment, they start arguments over nothing, they don't sit back and take in the time they have with their friends & family..

Anyways, in the end being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up

12:43 am

I'm sick of trying to act strong, and like I am made of stone

I really am not,
and I just want to break down one day, and let it all out.

2:48 am

Hm, another weekend is over, I can't believe how fast 2009 has been going. We are now approaching the last couple weekends of April !! I swear it feels like it was just new years, and it feels like it was just my birthday but that was already a month ago. I'm terrified, before we know it we're all going to be 40 and reminiscing on these days. Anyways yes, weekend was good, late nights, good friends, movies, weed, driving, dancing, all the things that make a weekend good.

I realllllly need a job, like i am this | | close to just getting a job at walmart,
this recession is really just kicking me in the ass. =(

I want to have two jobs going for me, I really want to make this summer fantastic, road trips galore woooo, shop shop shop shop.

I def bought some wutang dunks though, and i'm stoked for them to come in.

woooooooo, i'm going to rep that shit like no tomorrow haha,
anyways another late night, i am actually kind of tired though now.

So long, happy 420 and stuff i'm sure I will be telling you about my
420 adventures tomorrow evening.

go flames !!

tmb

2:29 pm

This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

I've come to the conclusion that if having things turn out the way you wanted them to is a measure of a successful life. Then, some would say I'm a failure. The important thing is; not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past, and recognize that every day won't be sunny. But when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember, it's only in the black of night that you can see the stars that will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes. To stumble and fall, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for. Maybe, you'll get more than you ever could've imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination. Only after disaster can we be resurrected. never never never never give up.

I have come to the realization that life is more than what I have accomplished. Life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all. True success is so selfless, so drown in the lyrics of your life and give up the air that you breath. You don't need anything.


Who really needs friends, when you've got family. (sb,mn,kl)

8:22 am

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Don't be afraid to sing and dance, seriously lol.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life.


Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good & you'll regret not asking them the craziest of things.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Stop doing fucked up shit to your hair, it'll be really ugly once you hit 40.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth.

3:57 am

So, it's Easter officially now. I don't know if I still believe in God or not. I used to, and was always raised to be a Catholic, i've gone through all the steps up to confirmation, which is pretty much the farthest you can go besides matrimony and all that lol. Anyways Easter makes me miss my dad, because it's a family holiday and every family holiday my dad would be the one cooking, so it's always a challenge to try to eat food that I know was not prepared by my dad. I miss him so much I hope he's watching down on me and is proud of me.

Camping is coming up soon, May long weekend. I have never gone and I have wanted to the last 3 years. I lovelovelove camping so much and this will be with just friends so it will be good to get away from the city, and enjoy the company with the people that matter most in my life. I honestly don't even care if all we do is sit there and drink & blaze, because we are away from civilization and it'll be comforting. I'm stoked. =) !!!!!

Happy Easter =)

tmb.

8:04 pm

living here makes me so depressed.

i feel like i'm such a failure in this life, and my dad being gone the only upside of it
is the fact that he's not here to see how much i fucked up in life.

i just want to cry.

4:51 pm

If you ask the average American what the single most important factor for happiness and quality of living is, most of them would probably answer: More money.

The more green the better. The more money the happier we are.

I don't know if you buy into statistics, experiments, and reports on human conditions and experiences, but they seem to be pointing the opposite direction (perhaps personal experiences can affirm). The fact that more money and more stuff isn't making us happier, but it's actually making us more miserable. The United States is the world's richest, most wasteful, and most affluent nation yet it contains some of the world's most miserable people.

This is a stark contrast to our grandparents a couple of generations ago; we are richer, living bigger, faster and more materially abundant. The average American now owns twice as many cars, significantly larger homes, and more material goods; gross domestic product per capita has tripled since 1950. Communication is faster and easier with cellular phones and the internet; all the while our TVs become bigger, flatter, and more clear. Food is everywhere, meat is cheaper, people are fatter while we are making and using up more plastic, paper, and petroleum than any other time period and anywhere else in the world. America has enough food to feed the entire planet, and each of us uses up more energy in a day than somebody else from a developing country uses up in a year.

But holistically, we seem to be more depressed than ever despite the increase of economic and material growth since the last generation.

I'm not a big fan of using stats and numbers to quantify the quality of human experiences, but for the sake of this argument, I'm going to throw out some numbers:

In 1940s, America was the forth happiest among advanced economies. 10 years later, it dropped to eighth. In 1950 the numbers of Americans who said they were "very happy with their lives on average" peaked in the 50s, and ever since then the proportion of happy Americans dropped to just a quarter. From the year 1991 to 2004, the economy expanded rapidly under the Clinton boom, but the numbers of "negative life experiences" increased, as more and more people are slitting their wrists, visiting the shrinks, and divorcing.

You see, our grandparents had less space to fill up with their junk. They lived in small houses/barns, but instead of more "stuff", it was more people. The square footage per household has increased significantly from previous generations, but the people per household has decreased. So people talked and ate together more, they played together outside and socialized more.

We live in isolation in both our homes and in our communities. How can we not? The way our whole infrastructure is designed is geared towards having your own private "American Dream" space.

The suburban sprawl is the by-product of our irrational drive for isolation. Because we all want to stay as far away from our neighbors as possible, everyone and everything is designed to be so far away from each other that not only are people lacking interactions, they are completely dependent on cars to get to places, as they are walking less, getting fatter, and leaving more carbon footprints along the way.

Even the interior designs of new houses are geared towards dysfunctional families who prefer to stay to themselves for private entertainment. Our living rooms are smaller, while bathroom rooms and bedrooms are bigger.

This whole notion of "more space for crap, but less people for interaction” is going against our natural instincts. Human beings are hardwired to be social animals; living in big groups is what got us here through the millions of years of evolution/struggle for survival. No wonder we are not really "living" anymore by surrounding ourselves with IKEA-mongering activities and material goods.

But we have another instinctual drive that helped our ancestors survive in the past, but is working against us in modernity: The innate drive to acquire or the Will to consume.

We are designed by nature, along with all any other organisms, to be consumers. We are born with the need to acquire and to acquire more. It is part of how evolution produces any reproducing organism: to be a consuming animal, to have endless needs and wants.

Having this drive to acquire our needs was a way our genes use our bodies and minds/brains as vessels to carry and pass on our genes to the next generations since it guarantees that we eat and reproduce. Our ancestors used this innate desire to hunt and gather food, build tools and shelters to satisfy our basic needs. But that's really all we need; everything else above our basic needs of food and shelters are wants.

With the invention of agriculture that produced surpluses, the majority of the people didn't have to worry about hunting or other means of acquiring food or building our own shelters. The means to consume our basic needs are satisfied for the most of us who live in industrialized world. This is leaving a big hunk of space in our innate will to consume. So we find other means to satisfy this biological need to acquire:

We "hunted" big checks and status by working corporate jobs. We "gathered" status symbols by buying useless crap at shopping malls and electronic stores until we are all trapped in the great Cycle of Pursuit.

How much is enough? How much do we really want to be happy?

If happiness is relative, then we need an anchor to measure how happy we are. And this anchor is usually other people's level of happiness. It's too bad that our culture has made us believe (yes this is one of those things that I blame culture for instead of genetics) that happiness means having more materials and money.

The amount of status symbols and wealth has become our one of the anchors we use to measuring our own happiness level against other people's. - How much stuff other people have in comparison to your own collection of stuff determines how happy you are. If I bought a ferrari, I would feel pretty important only up until everybody else in my neighborhood starts driving ferraris too. When my ferrari loses its status, I would need an upgrade and purchase a private jet in order to regain my dominance.

Most reproducing organisms have status symbols to stand out from the crowd from other animals in the same community in order to attract the opposite sex.

Peacock's tails, bird songs and dances, lion's mane, are all examples of perceived visible, external denotation and declarations of one's social position, fitness level and sexual attractiveness. But for the most part, the status symbols of other animals are built-in and limited. A peacock's tale can only have so many colors, a bird can only sing and dance so much before their body becomes exhausted.

Wealth is the ultimate status symbol for human beings. But what good is money if it's all inside your bank account, unseen?

Conspicuous consumption is wasteful consumption of of useless things. The more wasteful you are, and the more useless the things you buy are, the more "status" you have and the more "fit" you you are. This is where we tell our friends and neighbors : Look, I have so much money that I can afford stuff that are useless to my survival. (Hummers, jewelries, gold, and so on).

With money however, human beings discover means to acquire endless amounts of status symbols. And what good is a status symbol that is outdated, outnumbered, and outsized?

The more we want to impress everyone else, the more things we need to acquire. The more things YOU require, the more things THEY need to acquire in order to have more than you do; this in turn motivates you to buy more stuff to be happier, and so on.

We are always stretching out our necks in order to inspect what other people are having, or what the latest goods in the markets are in order to consume the newest stuff on the shelf before anybody beats you to it.

Marketers and advertisement agencies are way ahead of psychologists and evolutionary biologists in figuring out how human nature works. They spend a huge amount of effort and money inventing new stuff for you to buy and dreaming up new strategies to make the mindless masses think that they need these things to have a happier and more fulfilling life. They are always asking: How do you get people to buy shit they don't need? How do you convince people to think that what they want is not a want at all, but necessity?

The desire to consume, acquire, and produce is insatiable. This insatiability is the most desirable weapon in nature. Humans, like all other reproducing species are designed to never stop needing and to never feel satisfied in relation and relative to what's given in an environment. Without this insatiable desire for needs, organisms cannot and will not reproduce. Nature will not progress. And the universe we know would not exist.

We want what we don't have, and as soon as we get what we wanted, we want more of it. We live for the future but never for the present moment. We are always projecting ourselves into the future, directing our consciousness at the things we don't have but want to consume, eat up, deplete, and waste in the future.

So here we are as obsessed consuming creatures, accumulating goods. The more stuff more we buy, the longer hours we need to work to afford everything we bought. The more we work, the more money we have to consume even more stuff.

All that hours spent working is making us pissed off, tired, and stressed out. So what do we do? We reward ourselves and pat ourselves on the backs by spending all that hard-earned money for a vacation or more goods to cope with our stress, which leads to more debts to be paid, longer work hours and so on.

The more things we have, the more we need to consume (accessories and what not) in order to maintain, protect, and upgrade what we already have. Not to mention all these other things we need to buy in order to sustain what we already have. If you buy a car, you're going need rims, tinted windows, maintenance work, and insurance to go along with it. If you purchase a house, you are going to need a $15,000 painting and a marble statue, a security system, and lots of fancy furniture.

With a great abundance of stuff comes with great responsibility and anxiety. Let's not forget all the distress and worries and fear that come with owning so much things, since I have to constantly worry about other people stealing my shit, keying my car, breaking into my mansion and so on.

This spirals into what is happening today with the economy...

Which is in shambles. We can get into technicalities, but the core root of the problem stems from greed and foolishness. Broken down, greed from the part of investment bankers and mortgage lenders, and foolishness from the ignorant masses trying to purchase homes that were way beyond their means.

2:33 am

I feel so stuck in this life sometimes. There is so much I want to accomplish and I have so many goals but something keeps holding me back. I can't figure out what it is. I have mini panic attacks all the time because I start stressing out so bad about where my life is headed. I don't know where it's going and that scares the shit out of me. I know i'm only 19 but everyone around me expects so much of me and I can't seem to make anyone happy these days. I want to finish school, and continue on with my education. I also want to find a good job that I will love to wake up to, to go to. I'm just so stressed, I need a break from everything & everyone. fuck it all.

4:43 am

Boys are so confusing, seriously. I sometimes want a boyfriend but then once I start getting involved with a 'nice' guy it just turns into a big slap in the face. I'm so sick of there not being any decent guys these days, is it reaaaaaaaally that hard to find? I mean i'm totally content with being single for the next 8 years, because I honestly don't think guys my age will start maturing til they are at least 25. People judge girls all the time when they are dating guys 5 + years older than them, but really when you want to be in a relationship it seems like those are the only guys worth committing too. They have been through all the lame drama, and pointless mindgames so they actually treat girls the way they should be treated. Don't get me wrong ya, there are a lot of trick bitches out there too but those girls deserve to get played. Anyways my conclusion, find me a nice boy plz&thx.

3:30 am

Oh man, I can't even begin to express my love for these three girls. They are straight up the biggest part of my life, they are my back bone and without them in my life I don't think I could truly be happy. sew cliche~ but honestly, if anyone asked me if I believed in the term 'best friends forever' I could honestly say yes, and we are the perfect example. Sure, yeah we've drifted apart but it's never been for more than a few months and it was always over something so petty that in the end we all wish we could take back. I know personally i've made more than my fair share of mistakes with the friendships with each and every single one of these girls but I regret it every day that I wasn't friends with them, because they truly are the BEST friends you could have. I've known Mackenzie since kindergarten first of all that's what 15 years? Then Kayla since grade 1, thats 14 years. Then there is Sabby which was grade 2 and that's 13 years !! I honestly can see us in 10 years being like "oh ya we've been friends for what.. 25 years now?" that makes me so happy to know that I have grown up and spent my life with each of these girls and there is nothing in the world that would ever make me want to change that. LOL I sound like i'm obsessed with them but it's just i've never really told them how much i've appreciated their friendships, and how much I really value them in my life. When my dad passed away these girls were there for me through everything. I called sabby instantly and she talked me through it, when she could've been out doing something better. mackenzie & kayla and my friendship drifted apart but as soon as those girls heard they were there for me, because that's what TRUE friends do. They don't give a SHIT about the bad stuff because when their friend needs them, they are there! blahh blek blah blek. Anyways, I love these girls, and that's pretty much all that needs to be said. All three of them are going somewhere in life and i'm glad I can be apart of their journey on getting there. I will have my own little journalist, my little interior designer, and my little buisness woman in the future. hahaha, love you girls.

mskt <3

tmb.

3:14 am

God damn I miss you so much.
R.I.P daddy, 2 years later and it still hasn't gotten any easier.
I wish I could see you for even 60 seconds, just to sum up how
much you've impacted my life and how much i love you.

my poem:

Daddy so many memories of you come to mind
whenever I or someone else speaks your name.
It seems that now without you in my life,
things have never been the same.

What happened to those comforting and relaxing days,
when I was just a child.
How I missed school and spent the days with you
is just an example that now seems so mild.

I miss you being our families back bone
when all of our lives were consumed in you
you made sure we knew you loved us,
through your smile, your words, and your heart too.

I remember all those times,
when I would look up to you.
No matter what happened in my life, ups & downs,
you could turn my grey skies blue.

Just like every other family we've had those silly arguements,
the anger in those fights never lasted very long.
You were our rock and our protector,
and because we had ties that binded us that were too strong.

We've had many get togethers with family and friends,
Through the feast and famine, laughter, and tears.
The memories that built day to day,
our love had continued to grow throughout the years.

Some days I imagine hearing your voice,
so I turn to see your face.
Yet, while I begin to turn
your image and sounds begin to erase.

Daddy, who will I turn to for the answers
when life confuses me and I can't make sense of it.
I wish you could be there to hold me close,
when the pieces just don't fit.

Oh, Daddy if I could turn back the time to that horrid day
and just for one more time hear your voice.
I would tell you that out of all the daddys in the world,
you'd still be my one and only choice.

Daddy please know that I still love you,
you are my friend, my strength, and my pride.
After years pass and you will still be gone,
I know that you are still at my side.

Still it is hard to know that you're gone and not coming back,
I hate the thought of our family and you apart.
There are days where its hard and some where it's easy,
but mostly because we know you hold our hearts.

Today, Jesus as you are listening
in your heaven graciously above.
Will you go find my father up there,
and send him all of our love.

6:51 pm

woohoo, what a better week to start a blogspot then to start it the week after my birthday !

The day before my birthday which was last tuesday on the 24th my bestfriends and I decided
to go to see 'I love you man' which I have been stoked on seeing for awhile now. It was honestly
the best night I could have asked for. We got out of the movie around midnight and decided
to call up Sabby our other really good friend and we just got really high haha good birthday
present imo. Anyways we sat in my jeep and just talked for a few hours which we always do
it's always good to have those girls in your life where you can talk about absolutely anything with
for hours on end and never get bored of eachothers company. Later Mackenzie decided
it was time for her journey to end haha so we drove her home but Sabby, Kayla & I all decided
to hang out for a little bit longer. We of course just parked and talked for a couple more hours,
about everything. We talked about our good friend we went to Junior High with who was murdered last May. It's so heartbreaking to think of the memories we spent with him and to see his life cut so short when he would've been such a great guy in this world. He lived a good life and to be able to reminisce about his past is so heart touching. We all miss him and we all know that he really is looking down on us. r.i.p lvr. (L)

For my actual birthday which was the Wednesday I met up with my favorite ladies again (of course) Mackenzie, Kayla & I went up to seanachies and i bought all of us a shot and myself a little highball to get the night going. We couldnd't really find anything else to do so we ended up going to the bar with my brother and his friends where we had a few more drinks and then decided that it would be such a fantastic idea if we hit up the strippers! I love going to the strippers I don't know if it's because of the atmosphere or if I just like going with my girls and judging the girls dance skills lolol either way, it's a grand time for everyone involved. We stayed there for an hour had some more drinks, and then an ever so sticky muff dive. (yuck) I will now tell you about the story of what happened after Mackenzie & I dropped off Kayla at her house. We decided after we dropped her off that we were still bored and it was still early so we decided to stay out for a little bit longer. We called up Sabby and asked her if she wanted to smoke another birthday blunt !! (who can say no really?) well.. actually sabby did say no, but she said yes to coming with us ! So we parked along the road on wildwood drive and just sat there listened to music and just talked about how im having a quarter-life crisis. Well, anyways while we are sitting there we see these guys behind my car about 25 feet away and we were talking about how it's so sketchy when there are people walking by your car when it's really dark and late at night, and we never really thought anything about it. All of a sudden they were walking past our car, the two guys in the front looked right in the window at us and kept walking, but the guy behind the other two (being as smart as he is) stuck his fucking hand in our window!!! It was honeslty the scariest thing ever, we had no idea what just happened so we all kind of just sat there in shock, until we realized that these kids were car hopping and the one boy thought he was going to get in my car. We decided to follow them for a bit probably sketched them out like crazy and then once I hit the main road again there were cops everywhere looking for these kids so blah blah blah I tell the cops they are two blocks up and they find them and all is good, but in the end it was still very scary.

Anyways so that was my birthday and to sum it up on Saturday, one of my best guy friends and I decided to go to Cowboys and have our birthday parties together since they are only 6 days apart. We have tons of friends in common and so we sent out the invite on facebook and tons of people actually showed up on Saturday, we didn't expect that at all. Got drunk and all that jazz. It was a very fun night minus the 'boy' being a huge asshole, and the fact mackenzie and I got rides home with random guys (which was scary btw). It was a good night and all that mattered is that I got to spend it with my best friends and that's all I wanted it definitely exceeded my expectations.

=)
tmb